retail therapy didn't even help...

P and friends,
To answer/address all your thoughts, here goes... I've been lucky enough never to have to call CPS outside of work because I simply haven't ever seen anything reportable. I also know how the shitty system works: CPS won't do anything without specifics which is often difficult. There are two reasons why I haven't moved on this situation yet. 1) I think the most legit reporters are hospital staff and my guess is they've reported. My super secret info passer will be letting me know ASAP tomorrow morning if there's a case open yet. 2) I didn't see anything. I have a lot of extraneous, damning evidence which comes straight from highly confidential files and incidents seen by others. I can report this anonymously, but for many good reasons, that information can't ever be leaked (unless by court order which is next to impossible). So that information can't be used against her-- it can only be used to steer the investigators in a particular way. Her psych records are rightly protected. However...

Much as I didn't want to go to work tonight I did. And I held the baby and fed him and spent as much time as I could trying to assess him. The child is just not okay. He is not crying when he should and he is not being fed properly. We are, of course, doing what we can to educate his mom, but she is so manipulative that nobody's even sure what she knows or doesn't know. She has a history of fabricated "injuries" and has been in inpatient treatment 7 times with wildly varying diagnoses every time. She's 19. She's smart.

I sent a letter to all the therapists in our building advocating that she be moved somewhere where her baby can be safe. Which is probably prison, but by that time it'll be way late. So, I'll be in touch with Super Sleuth (super super illegal sleuth) and will make my report tomorrow. In the meantime I'm not sure if it was best for *me* to hold the baby so long tonight. He has lots of fair, soft hair and his head is so warm, but bumpy. He moves his mouth a lot, into wonderful, improbable shapes, but makes very little noise. He responds to touch, but not to sounds. He is light, but long, and his limbs dangle in a strange way. When he's hungry, he doesn't cry much, but kicks his legs. When I held him and fed him, he fell asleep while sucking and made sweet little ticking noises when I took the bottle out of his mouth. At least everyone I know who has been around him has snuggled and loved him. Whatever happens, there's that.

Why is this so rough when I've seen and heard so much? I honestly don't know. Maybe it's because I've never seen a baby so small with blood running out of his nose who didn't respond to stimuli. Maybe it's because I'm scared, for good reason, that he will die. And gut feelings can't save a baby, I guess.
xo
p