Sunday, September 30, 2007

an actual clinical note I just wrote

J. was brought to staff by his mother who reported that J. was having trouble listening to her requests at dinner. J. refused to "use his word"s and, instead, cried and kicked at his mother. Staff asked J. to sit in the "time out chair," which he did. J. did not sit quietly as asked, but instead forced himself into coughing fits, which led to gagging fits, and eventually he dry heaved. J. was noticeably quieter when staff ignored him. He eventually was calm enough to be returned to his mother.

What I neglected to say is that this charming youngster managed to push every single button I have in the brief time we spent together. What I learned from this interaction: when a kid combines screaming with fake whooping cough, with forced gagging, and with (obviously, forced) dry-heaving, I will come unhinged.

Friday, September 28, 2007


One might feel weird of one works in an office in which there is a cabinet full of pregnancy and drug tests. And tiny candy bars.

what to do if you feel weird

1. Call husband up.
2. Say, "I feel weird. Why do you think I feel weird?"
3. Get crabby when he doesn't know.
4. Go to work.
5. Sneak a pregnancy test from the closet.
6. Stash it in your purse.
7. Go to bathroom.
8. Wonder the the hell you're going to pee in.
9. Pee in the plastic/foil envlope the test comes in.
10. Do test.
11. Notice that it's negative.
12. Make note that you don't feel weird because you're pregnant.
13. Eat 3 little candy bars.
14. Ask co-worker why she thinks you feel weird.

Wishing it weren't so hilarious

Sad. But try not to at least giggle.


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

pliable young minds

At least I'm at a point in my life where I can laugh my ass off when one of my students turns this paper in:
(it's a response to an article that reveals studies that show that men also have hormonal changes during their partner's pregnancy)

Men are truly trapped in a web of women’s psychological and physical needs such that it destroys the male role which is constantly under attack.
I came from a family deeply rooted in the idea that women do women things because that is their calling or role, to be a woman. Similarly men do man things also according to their gender. Those relationships I’ve noticed in my family are interesting to watch because if the roles change families get screwed up. Not just during pregnancy but through out a marriage and their whole lives. For example my mom makes every Sunday the best dinner that a human woman can possibly make and my dad does everything not to get in the way. He watches football and sleeps the day away until, the dinner bell rings he is ready to pounce and eat. I couldn’t imagine if my dad who has never made a meal in his whole life decided one day to make a meal. The world would for sure rotate differently. The U.S. would be hailed as geniuses forever because of the curing fumes to the ozone layer. It just won’t ever happen. It’s not my dad’s nature. What I am saying is that if he did try it just wouldn’t work. I’ve never seen my dad during the birth of his children since I am the youngest but I know that my dad knows when he needs to help and when he should just relax.
Men do things according to their role and that’s how it should be. I’m not saying that men should not help with birth or with the needs of his wife and family but there needs to be some loosening up on what the man is not doing and more on what he can be doing.
When I hear that men are sick or are feeling similar to what women are feeling I immediately think that the woman is overpowering her role as a woman and attacking the male psychological views. I agree with Stretch Marks for Dad that men can get sick from the pregnancy but it is due to the woman snaring him with her own pain and mental situation that it literally makes him sick too. I think that men can only do so much in a pregnancy. He should love her for her sacrifice and praise her. However, he should not fall into the same emotional pit of child birth. He should be the man and lift the wife with encouragement, service and love during times of stress.

Enjoy! Love, P.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

the risks of having a very dangerous killer pitbull, who is also bloodthirsty and means business

Dear P,

Recently, TD was the gracious (as you can imagine) recipient of a piece of information that, had we not known it, could have led to disaster. A neighbor was just minding her own business when she happened upon WHOOBIE standing on the sidewalk. As you know, Whoobie is a threatening creature (especially when she stands and stares) and this woman had the presence of mind to remind TD that dogs, especially dogs like her are at risk for the following:

From Salt Lake City Ordinances:
6.04.350 Fierce or dangerous dogs--Destruction.
It shall be the duty of all animal control officers and peace officers of the city to kill and destroy, or cause to be killed and destroyed, any dog, whether registered or not, found running at large at any time within the limits of the city off the premises of the owner or keeper, when, in the judgment of such officer, it is necessary to kill such dog in order to maintain or to protect the health, safety, peace of property or the inhabitants of the city. (Ord. 4-81 (part), 1981: prior code §4-19)

If you see this dog, stay away. She is a soulless demon-dog:

Just a public safety alert.

The blog is a 16 year old girl...

...who tries on outfit after outfit, most of which end up on the floor. What will she put on next?

Friday, September 21, 2007

Putting it out there, bit by bit.

As you well know, I am one painfully sensitive girl, especially when it comes to my relationships with my women friends. At this point in my life, I barely mourn old boyfriends, but I carry around mounds of guilt and sadness and melancholy for all of the girlfriends I have and love. I want to think of my friends with a cheerful heart, but mostly I feel like I'm going to have diarrhea and start crying. I constantly think I've burned bridges or haven't done the right thing or the enough thing-- not because my friends tell me so, but because I know I've been a hard friend sometimes and maybe someone or someones just don't love me anymore. A topic for therapy? Absolutely. This could be annoying, but I must. I need to just say a few things, not because I'm looking for a response, answer, or forgiveness. I just need to say them because I believe that one way to start being okay is to get it out of the head and onto the paper/screen/blog/pea.

  • Precipitating event: I knew one of my friends is pregnant. Knew because friends sometimes just know these things. She's a great and fun blogger and today she posted sonograms and I am thrilled. But also, I am sad because I want to be the one who runs over when she finds out and holds her hair while she pukes. I'm sad because her son doesn't even know me. I'm sad because I think about her all the time and feel like I owe her so much. She has seen me at my craziest and never, ever gave up. We'll probably never live in the same city and I may really never do for her what she's done for me. I am jealous of her friends where she lives. By the way, the baby's a girl.
  • When I left Wisconsin, I never said goodbye to the only woman who was my friend there. She tried and tried to contact me and I never picked up the phone. I've still not said goodbye. Or I'm sorry. Or that I cared for her as much as she cared for me. I don't know why.
  • I'm jealous of my friends' spouses. Across the board, I've had trouble with this and still do. I love them all (really my friends pick 'em well) but I'm the one who needs to hear all the details and anxieties and reap all the love and attention.
  • I miss spending time with my sister-in-law. I love my family, really, I do, but I miss her and OUR friendship. When we were recently together, I felt terribly sad when she left. So sad that I almost didn't even want to have seen her because then I wouldn't miss her so much.
  • When you, my pea, moved away I couldn't call you. I still hate that I did that. I couldn't bear it. When you were studying for exams, I barely knew and you were in a hideous situation. One that maybe I could have helped. Forget about a particular pal of yours who I stewed over for years. When I was with you two, HAVING FUN, I was a puddle of sad and selfishness. The list goes on here. On and on.
  • I recently had a weird confrontation with a friend here and, after resolution, she wanted to hug me and I wouldn't let her. I also wouldn't look her in the eyes. That there's some pretty crazytown behavior.
  • I miss my Philly friend, badly. So badly. I am even a little tearful now as I think about her because I worry that she thinks I'm a drain, and sometimes I am. I don't send her postcards as much as I used to.

There are at least 5 more things I could write, but I'm wearing myself out. I'm considering writing an essay on art in "therapeutic writing"-- a "considering the 'outsider art' of therapeutic 'journaling' as a literary form" kind of thing. I don't know, just thinking. I'll leave you with a rather self-aware piece (which is surely more avoidance/excuse than anything else) from a French site on Personality Disorders):

Borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally with less provocation and take longer to come down

The patients are at a disadvantage in their relationships, unable to have"normal" human relationships. They sometimes give a misleading appearance to not feel the whole range of human emotions, in fact it would be rather than they feel too much

Since Borderline people are emotionally hypersensitive, imagine what the consequences of abandonment or heartache is like for them. It would seem that their way of dealing with abandonment varies with different patients - Some will be often very alone, undoubtedly because they try to avoid their emotions. "Best" way of being never abandoned. - Others will create a cocoon around themselves that includes for example a spouse or their parents.

And there you have it for today. Off to diagnose myself some more...

Love, p.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Further evidence of general philosophical disconnect

PEA: (passing very cute but terrible bakery in neighborhood) See, that kind of stuff just makes me unspeakably sad.

BOY: What, crappy and disgusting pastries? Me too.

PEA: No, I mean when a cute little small business tries and fails.

BOY: They sure didn't try very hard.

PEA: Come on, that can't be true. They tried and for some reason didn't make it work.

BOY: They should try eating their own crap pastries.

PEA: Maybe they think they're delicious.

BOY: Doubtful. I mean, look at all the random Chinese joints all over this neighborhood who make all sorts of delicious food.

PEA: Come on, that's an entirely different story! How hard is it to rent some hole in the wall, give it a sloppy paint job, hang the same fucking stock photographs of random Chinese dishes that you find over and over again, and throw a bunch of oversauced deep fried stuff on a pile of rice? The owners of the bakery put a lot of thought into it; they made the place look beautiful, they developed this menu of unique and diverse pastries, they put a lot of effort into display and arrangement, and they really could have made something unique and lovely.

BOY: They should have just bought a wok and made something worth eating.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


PEA: I am excited about the new fish; don't get me wrong. I just don't want to get attached, because I'm still sad.

BOY: Oh, yes, about the snails.

PEA: Snails? Don't you mean the hermit crab?

BOY: (silence; trapped and guilty look)


BOY: Well, two of them died.

PEA: (deep breath) Aha. I suppose that was the same day you told me I should probably stop counting the snails every morning?

BOY: (searching for words)

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Circle of Life

BOY: (from living room, looking into fish tank) Honey, I don't see it.

PEA: (from bedroom, sobbing into pillow) ON THE SAND! RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE!

BOY: Oh...yeah. Hold on (rustling around in drawer for net).

PEA: (sobbing and sobbing)

BOY: Yes, I think you're right. This hermit crab is dead.

PEA: (lifting head from pillow) I TOLD YOU SO! WE KILLED HIM!!!!! (sobbing)

BOY: (coming into bedroom) Honey, I think he probably just had a bad moult. That happens to these guys sometimes.

PEA: HE DIED ALL ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SAND! We couldn't help him. We did something wrong. He came out of his shell and had nowhere to go and HE DIED!!!!

BOY: Honey, it's just a hermit crab. Sometimes they die.

PEA: It's (sob) not (sob) FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate the fish tank! I never want to look at the fish tank again! Don't make me ever look at it again!

BOY: Do you want me to get rid of the fish tank? This kind of thing will happen, and I don't want it to be hard for you. I know someone I could give it to; just say the word, and we don't have to have it anymore.

PEA: (gulp/sob) YES! Also, the dog. We have to give away the dog too! This is too hard! What if something happened to the dog? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (sobbing and sobbing).

BOY: (sighing) Maybe we talk about this again tomorrow, OK?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Dear Britney: This is how I'll remember you...

Because It's *That* Day

Dearest P,
I'm not sure that there's anything else that could make me feel better about my place in the world than this video:

Sit back with a box of kleenex and just let it out.
Happy "We Haven't Learned a Fucking Thing" Day!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007


Dearest Pea,

Today, boy and I took an important step on the way to an important step. Here are a few highlights.

Instructions, carefully researched by diligent boy:

(if this isn't funny to you, please digress for a moment:

Making a wish at the fountain outside city hall (here's a hint; we wished for a lifetime of happiness...and cookies):

Apparently, you have to pay money to get a marriage license (look at how boy wields it so well):

Welcome to RM 262, the place where the magic happens! Yes, RM 262, combining all the romance of the DMV with the intimacy of a metal detector search.

Here are some snippets of my favorite conversations to happen in RM 262:

ME: I just farted.
BOY: Oh man, I farted the whole way here, and my farts are smelling like DEAD people.


ME: Should I change my name?
BOY: Honey, whatever you want to do is fine with me.
ME: That just felt like the right thing to do. All of my piercings have been impulse decisions too, and I have no regrets.
BOY: (laughing and laughing and laughing) I love you.


ME: Um, so, is that it? Are we done?
DISAFFECTED CITY EMPLOYEE: (rolling eyes) Step around to the cashier.

It's official!

Well...official enough for tax and health insurance purposes. All that's left now is for my Pea to come officiate over the big fancy party with cupcakes and everything. Stay tuned!

Love and miss you always,