Friday, January 12, 2007

Helping America Stay Obese

Dear Far Far Far Away,
One of us is industrious, a worker, a go-getter (I hope that someone writes that on a performance review), an A+++ student, a Whirling Dervish, a superachiver. The other one of us is molasses in January, one who dusts around the knick-knacks, the one who crosses her fingers for bomb threats so she doesn't have to go to work. For those who are troubled by their motivation to work, exercise, and be sociable, I'll offer some low-energy alternative activities. It is, after all, winter, when many mammals are hibernating; shouldn't we go back to our primal roots?
  • Preferably in a reclining position, look outside and wait for snow. It's bound to happen at some point. Even Arizona gets snow every few years.
  • While waiting for snow, plan what you'll do when your city is shut down for snow removal and you can't go to work.
  • Paint your nails and then recline until they are completely dry. The hardening process of most nail lacquers is several hours. Also, you can possibly type anything or use the phone unless your nails look fancy.
  • Play "annoy the dog." Wherever the dog is sleeping kick him/her out of his/her spot and take a nap. When you wake up, repeat the process.
  • Watch the stories on the change. You'll have to hit refresh, but it's worth it.
  • Annoy your friends who are working. There are two sure-fire ways to do this: 1) send free e-cards celebrating the closest holiday, especially if the holiday is completely irrelevant to your friend (other excellent ideas are to send sympathy cards for the loss of their virginity, congratulations cards for being a douchebag with a job, etc.) 2) go e-shopping for them and collect eight million links for things you'd buy for them if you only had the money. P.S. Costco sells caskets. Not a joke-- look it up.
  • Put the dirty dishes into neat little piles. Don't wash them, just make them look spiffier.
  • Diagnose everyone you don't like with a mental illness. (use the internet to identify symptoms, duh)

I sure do hope that for those who aren't inclined to be busy beavers (BEAVER FEVER!) there may be some ideas for what they should do once they've accomplished the above list. Good luck watching for snow...

miss you,

your moving-so-fast-you-can't-even-see-me pea

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