Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Exam Preparation: a photo essay

Dear pea-with-a-job,
I'm crossing my fingers that the below subjects will be asked me by my committee in 93 days. Maybe they will forget the other 117 things (books, essays) that I'll get around to soon enough. Perhaps once they understand how thoroughly I know the subjects I've been studying of late, they will simply hand me my PhD and send me on a Caribbean vacation.

Dishes: Who's job is it? What percentage of the dishes are mine? Can I arrange them so they look prettier? What's grosser, crusted-on oatmeal or a bowl of cold water with floating oatmeal scuzz?

Sharpies: When does a regular pen just not do the trick? What color should "February" be on my calendar of reading for next month? Would Ovid like "The Metamorphoses" written in lime
green or burgundy?

Lip products: Is six new lippies in the last week too many? Why does lip gloss always disappoint? Should I try to have a color scheme to my lipstick and nail polish? Why does Smith's
keep having 30-50% off their cosmetics?

Sage and Citrus candle: Why can't my whole life smell like this?Why are you such a delightful green?

Coffee: Why do you keep me in that upper-downer-upper-downer cycle? Why can't you release me from your grips? Why must you taste so delicious?

Bathroom reading: Why are you so much more interesting than Donne, Marvell, and Coleridge? Why would I rather sit on the toilet all day with you than just go to the damn library to read poetry? The cover of Full Exposure is a nipple flower. Why weren't there more nipple flowers on Medieval manuscripts?

Internet: Why do you have People online so I can see that Victoria Beckham has chronic wasting disease? Will my committee be able to tell that I am getting most of my plot lines from Sparknotes? Will I go to hell?
If you have any suggestions for how to move on from
these topics to other, less fascinating ones (Ovid, Milton, Spenser--for example)
I'd be thrilled to hear about it. As it stands, I'm going to be signing
up for sword swallowing, juggling, and striptease classes
to distract my examiners from the awful truth: I don't know
a motherfucking thing and I'm not trying real hard, either.
your big success,

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