makeover

Dearest P,

Today's Wikihow is "how to be charming." Ah ha! I've been waiting for a project and one has magically fallen into my lap. I know very few people who couldn't benefit from brushing up on their charm. Most notably are a few meth-addict-gang-members I know. I'm not sure, but I think that charm may not be an important quality to them. For shame! I wish some people would just get over it and be adorable all the time. Okay, really? Let me present some of the how-to highlights for your consideration. Please have a garbage can or plastic lined handbag ready for barfing purposes (if you are short on time, look for the italicized passages):



Relax the muscles in your face to the point where you have a natural, pleasant expression permanently engraved there. For some people, it helps to dwell on something or someone that makes them happy.

Make a connection. When your eyes come in contact with another person's, nod and smile subtly with a subdued joy shining forth. Don't worry about the other person's reaction and don't overdo it.

Control your tone of voice. The tone of your voice is crucial. Most people feel insecure somewhere inside and have an inability to accept praise. For this very reason, when you praise, do it subtly and glibly. When you say, "you look nice today" it should be in the exact same tone that you would use to say "it's a nice day." Any variation from your normal tone will arouse suspicion about your sincerity. And since you will be trying hard to be a breezy, caring, happy personality, your eagerness will come across in both simple and complimentary talk. Practice giving compliments into a recorder and play it back. Does it sound sincere? Whether your praise is true or not, it must sound sincere! Practice until you get it right.

The degree of charm that you possess depends on the creativity of your praise. Say something that is not immediately obvious and say it in a poetic way. It's good to have some premeditated compliments and phrases but the most charming people are able to invent them on the spot. This way, you can be sure that you are not repeating it.

Every so often you will have no choice but to express an opinion that few others hold (to adhere to the honesty policy). You must do it in a humorous way. Humor is the teaspoon of sugar that helps the medicine go down.

Never argue. Remember if half of the people who hear your argument agree and half disagree, you have failed at being charming. What you say must be pleasing to 100% of the people who will hear it, whether they hear it directly from you or not.



I don't know about you, but I feel like recording my compliments ASAP. I've been running a "healthy body image group" at work and I'm pretty sure, now that I've read these tips, that body image is a complete waste of time. We're starting "how to be charming group" today!



fucking shit, dude! (do you feel the subdued joy shining forth?)

love you,

p