If we've talked about it once, we've talked about it 3.7 trillion times. And I'd say that's true about most of my other girlfriends too. It's about the body. The endlessly disappointing body. I've spent all of my post elementary school years worrying about my body and whether or not it's acceptable looking. One year, when I was 21, it was great-- for about 3 months. Why? Because I was really fucking sick. Not because I was healthy, or even better, just happy with the way I was. And so, as I age, I hope that I will evolve into a person who values health, but also values varieties of beauty, including my own. To that end, I've tried to name this extra weight that I've been dragging around for 5 or so years and understand who and what it's about. The more I understand the deep-rooted reasons for the way my body looks and feels, the more I want to fight it. I believe that the fat that's wrapped around me and even nestling in my chin, is a marker of a period in my life when I felt hopeless/helpless/worthless/unimportant. And so, I treated myself that way. But that's not my life anymore and I still have the marks all over me. I want it out! But this is far more complex than a diet or a gym routine. It's about living the life I really do deserve to live-- one that's full of action and energy and exploration and nourishment (one of my least favorite words, but it's way too applicable). Make sense? I'm living in a body that's uncomfortable not only because it doesn't like my old jeans, but because it doesn't move as well or bend as far or feel as electric as it used to. And so, I'm researching. I'm taking my time. I'm refusing to punish myself for what my body is. I will, however, take a new look at pleasure and what it really can be. Maybe some things will be a challenge (when I deal with sugar, I'm afraid I'll implode) but, in the end, I believe that what makes our bodies run well MUST be pleasurable. And so, that's where I am. The ideas are all so thoughtful and healthy, but there is a way big part of me that wants to be hot too. I'll admit it.
Love you, my beautiful,
p.s. In case you were worried, I will most certainly be sharing the minutae of my journey of self-discovery, right after I hand you a barf bag.